if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Randomize
