she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Randomize
