his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
