I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
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she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
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You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
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