He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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