My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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