The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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