They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
