You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Randomize
