dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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