im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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