Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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