Bea Arthur died! :(
Big bird passed.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.