my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
