Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
