matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
