please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Randomize
