You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
Randomize
