You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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