Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
MIDGETS
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Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
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