Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
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