I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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