Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Randomize
