First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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