had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Dicks are not precious.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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