I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
