I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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