My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
