i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
