2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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