This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
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