Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
he laminated a picture of his dick.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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