i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Sext me about skeletons
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Randomize