rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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