you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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