drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Randomize
