wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
