Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Randomize
