those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Randomize
