I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
I'm just crazy horny about you
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
