im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Why did my mother make you get naked?
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
