Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
