you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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