Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
be right there i have to get my cape
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
