his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
