woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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