Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Vodka?
Forever.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
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