WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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