break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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