I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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