Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Randomize
