Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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