Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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