the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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