Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Randomize
