Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Randomize
