i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
