i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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