so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize