He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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